Yesterday was a bad day. Today is ok... I knew after the weekend there would be an emotional crash. Instead of trying to prevent it or suppress it, I just went with it.. now that that's out of my system.

The irony is even though we connected so well, we never really understood each other.

For the longest time, I said to myself that you were different when we came back, that the person I wanted to see again was the person i went with, not the one I came back with.

 

I recently realized I had changed too. I was someone different when we came home. I think I realized it a day too late. July 18th.

 

I keep going back to a line from "Seven years in tibet"; "If a solution exists, then there is no need to worry. If there is no solution, what good will worrying do?"

 

There really are no "ifs", are there?

 

For one brief moment I was happy.

 

The kind of happiness you only read about or see in movies. I'd come to believe I wouldn't see it in this lifetime.

 

But there it was. Surprise, surprise.

 

And then, in one brief hand-hold, it was gone.

 

I lost myself trying to hold on to it. Before I realized that, it was too late.

 

We were heading the same way, or so I thought. I let you take the lead, cause I know I can screw things up. We went at your speed, until one brief moment. One of the only things I ever initiated, I took your hand and held it.

 

Is that what shattered it, sent us down different paths? I don't know. You acted like I wasn't there for the next day and a half. Which stretched into two more weeks.

 

Until you got drunk enough to deal with whatever it was that was between us now.

 

We spent most every minute of the next 20 hours together. It seemed to get us back on the same page. Until the moment you left, then we were back to where we were two weeks earlier.

 

The story continued... was this last weekend the end? We've seemed to make it so easy to say goodbye to each other, even though it was never said....

Ive got poison ivy. Welcome to summer.

Actually I was quite surprised that i had completely forgotton how we don't really have a spring here... just winter, bounce back and forth, then bam! summer's here with a vengence. Just a week and a half ago I had the heat on at night... now I've got air conditioning 24/7.

"You are constantly struggling to improve yourself"

note.. not that I'm succeeding, or even making any kind of progress. Just struggling. Thats it.